Not Goodbye; Yllithia

"Ylli, you know what I want." Tserai said, a sigh in his voice.

She had asked him what his desire was. Something they asked each other often. They could talk freely to each other. And it was understood that whatever it was at that moment that they wanted, it was always within easy reach. She was different, he had said several times. Tserai didn't speak to anyone. Especially about his wants. And even more so about his past. Both of which he shared with this priestess. She was different.

Different. It wasn't something Yllithia liked to hear often. Different usually foreshadowed an unhappy event. Different meant that she was seen as more than what she tried to be, and that brought even more attention to her. Attention wasn't something she craved either, but it followed her. Always, there was someone by her side, never a moment alone. That is why this moment was so important. Here with Tserai she could be herself. She could talk about what she truly wanted, and he would listen. She found out about his darkness, and pulled him from it. He listened to her stories, of the dark times she faced. Threats that were no more. But she didn't speak so openly as he did with her. There were still things Ylli wasn't comfortable talking of with others. Things that she knew would drive most away. Things like those Tserai had confessed to her. But she was different, and because of this, she still stood by his side. As a friend. As a confidant. As someone that accepted him, as a priestess should.

Yllithia furrowed her brow, tilting her head she turned her gaze from the joyous scene towards her friend. They sat in a boat that had been anchored in the middle of a hidden lake. A village of trolls, cut off from the outside world, danced carefree. She had been speaking with him, as she always did when they spent time together. None would believe how much that paladin could talk, always so closed up to the rest of the world. But while they spoke she was taking in the place. Listening to the steady beat of the drums. Watching the race most would call barbaric laugh and stomp to the beat, swinging in rhythm. Now her attention turned his way, did she perhaps miss something he'd said?

"No, Tserai, I don't. What is it you want? Right now." Yllithia questioned.

"I want to know what troubles you." He gazed into her eyes, searching for an answer. Yllithia chuckled and shook her head.

"You ask such a vague question. I'm troubled by what everyone is, Tserai. All those I speak with, I comfort, I hold. I keep more than their friendship. I keep their troubles." She looked down at the gentle lake. "I'm troubled with the wars, and the fighting that still exists."

"That's not what I'm asking, Ylli." Tserai interrupted. "Why won't you talk with me about those things? No one should have to carry a burden alone."

"They are mine to keep for myself." The automated response shot from her lips before she even had a chance to realize it. It wasn't what she wanted to say. It was far from what she had pictured coming out of her mouth. A frown tugged at the corner of her lips and she turned towards Tserai again. "I..." she started, opening her mouth. His expression showed the impact her words had meant to him. "I... didn't mean for that to come out, Tserai."

"They are your thoughts..." He looked down. It had pained him for her to show her distrust of him with her troubles. She could plainly see that. This man that was a void for so long, he was sensitive to her words.

"I don't like to speak of things that will cause tears, Tserai. The things that truly trouble me would haunt others. I keep them to myself because that's not what a priestess is. To comfort, to guide. But not to cry." She looked up, the sadness was building in her eyes. And although she felt it, she smiled. Long ago her father had taught her to keep it on her face. Long ago she learned to perfect the pull on the lips.

"Ylli, when I told you about my past, I barely shed a tear. I've long ago stopped. I cried for them for years. I cried for myself. But no more. I don't have a reason to cry, and there's not much that can bring me to it anymore."

"I cried. For...them... for you." She looked down at her hands, trying not to remember the horrors that would surely bring tears to her eyes again.

"I know. It's who you are." Tserai softly replied. She didn't want to think of it. Not now. Not when it was so peaceful. Not when the stars shone so bright upon this hide-out from the horrors of the world. Ylli looked up, the smile gracing her lips. She peered at Tserai, a tilt to her head.

"Why do you think I have troubles?"

"Because..." He began, slowly forming his words. He glanced down at her lips, already knowing it'd be there. "Like you, I like to see you smile. But sometimes that smile is a facade. But if not a facade, then a burden." His bottom lip pressed. He knew she'd deny it. Say something along the lines as she has no burden to bear, or that the smile makes it easier. Never was she willing to admit that she was mortal, that she had emotions like any being.

"Perception, Tserai." And there it was. Her one word explanation. His brooding over her vagueness deepened. He was so focused on her lips, on her smile that he started slightly at her touch. Yllithia had reached a hand up, running her thumb over his lower lip. "You see..." She cooed softly, "it's the way you present yourself that others will trust. You keep it there or you've already lost the only footing you have." With this her smile deepened, exposing the tips of her porcelain teeth. "It holds true."

"How will I ever know you, Ylli?" He asked exasperated, not expecting a real answer. His lip grazing her thumb she still held near his face.

She withdrew her hand, as her smile shrank. "You may never..." And there they sat for a few moments. His eyes trying to reach past the warm glow she put forth. She trying to keep the bubbling answers to his questions buried where she believed they belonged.

"I've.." Tserai sighed. "I've had time to think over something." Something had to be said to break the silent prodding. Yllithia raised a brow, she didn't need to ask. This simple action was enough to provoke the response he was already preparing. "You've helped me realize who I am. What I need to do."

Ylli pulled herself from her inner thoughts. What did he need to do? That was never a good sentence. She shifted her weight, rolling onto her right hip so her whole body was facing him. Everything she had was directed at him. Tilting her head she signified that she was ready to truly listen. She could feel the weight of his words, this needed to be heard.

"And I've tried to help you too in the same way. But..." She nodded, hanging on his words. It was too much to see. She was so good at showing interest at the right times. She was catering to his feelings right now. Showing him that she cared how heavy these words were. He reached out to her. Bringing his hand to her face he slide his fingers into her hair, stroking her cheek with his thumb. It hurt him to say it. It hurt him to see her with that smile that was so perfect even when she wasn't happy. It hurt him to know that this wouldn't make it falter, but it hurt him to know he was about to hurt her. "I'm going back, Ylli."

"Back?" She tried hard to not frown. Back to what, where?

"To Gilneas." His words were short and sharp. They stabbed at her. It was if her breath got caught and she couldn't take in, nor push out. A moment of fear coursed through her. She blinked as the shock took hold. It couldn't be. Her eyes narrowed as the fear turned towards him and his well being.

"Why?!" Yllithia blurted. This wasn't something one simple decided upon. This was running towards an end.

"I have to face my own shadow instead of having you stand there in between us." He answered calmly. Her lip quivered. "For all I know the entire land could be dead." He added, then his reasoning side took ahold. "Or quite the opposite.." She shook her head, her brow knitted, her smile no longer there, but a questioning look of sorrow. "But I have to know who I was. What I've lost." He finished. She deserved to know. Most others wouldn't notice his shadow missing from the ground. Most others overlooked him to begin with. But she should know.

"Tserai, no. You said you'd stay near." Ylli pleaded, tossing his words back at him. It was something he had said. She'd asked it of him, and he had agreed. Slowly he lowered his hand from her face, those words were too true. "What if..." She cut off for a moment. Her thoughts clearly spinning. "What if it's not dead? What if they kill you?" She was rapidly trying to reason with him. "They tracked you outside the walls. You're... it's not..." She stuttered. Her mouth opened and closed a few more times as Tserai shook his head.

"There's nothing for me here." He said. The confusion melted away from her face, from her body. Her shoulders drifted down and so did her gaze. "And you..." He watched her. "I've wanted to know you. To help you. Because of how I feel. How much I care."

He half expected her to cry some confession. It wasn't a secret he cared for her. He'd even said as much to her, and she didn't return the sentiment. She never denied him, but he knew her. She brushed past it, her way of saying there was no feeling in return. Her way of saying he wasn't wanted. Instead of the heartfelt exclamation of love he craved, she wrung her hands, staring down at them.

"But you're so different." He went on. There was that word again. Different. It never meant good things to come. "So strong. You're dedicated. And I cannot force that from you... no matter how much I love you." Her hands stopped moving as he let out a sigh, shutting his eyes tightly.

"You would have left no matter what I said... wouldn't you?" Defeat in her voice, she looked up. Hurt written on her face.

"You don't want to say anything." He wasn't demanding it for her, but for him. She'd say something to see him happy. It was who she was. Tserai opened his eyes and looked at her. "And you don't have to..."

"You said..." She began again, glancing down so her eyes couldn't be seen. "You want to know what troubles me?" Her words filled with a weak defiance. "Shedding tears." He looked her over as she stared at her lap. "There's nothing I can say to keep you... is there?"

He slid his fingers under her chin, gently lifting it as she's done so many times to him in the past. Looking into her eyes he explained. "You've made your decision, Ylli. There is no place for me." The muscles around her eyes twitched as Yllithia kept herself from blinking. Small pools were forming in her eyes. He'd never seen her cry. He'd never heard her cry. And if he didn't know how much she cared for others, he'd have thought she never did.

"I'm... sorry." She finally uttered.

Tserai shook his head, a weak smile crossing his face. "You've nothing to be sorry for..." He looked over at the trolls to his right, then back at Yllithia. "Tonight, you gave me the strength and the will to enjoy the company around me. Before I would have always felt..." He visibly withdrew somewhat. "Uncomfortable." Softening his gaze he offered the weak smile again. "But I even decided to tell something as well, as horrible as it was."

Yllithia tried to smile. He was trying to for her as well. She loved to see him smile, it was something he never used to do. "Do you ever smile, truly smile?" She had asked him once. "When I'm with you." Was his answer. How could she not give him the same courtesy? She pushed it on her face. The corners of her lips tugging down to a frown. She didn't want to smile. Not when she felt this. Not when he'd know it'd be false.

"But with everything you've shown me, I will always be alone until I can learn to undo everything I was made to be. You will always have your companions, Ylli. But when you turn around, you will see me, alone and in the dark." She radiated a light to all those that gazed upon her. It's what had brought him to noticing her months ago. She was different. He saw her, unlike any other blur of shadows in the crowd. But he was a "void" as she had put it. That light wouldn't reflect off of him. And without her, he stayed that void, that shadow, that darkness. He stroked her face with his fingers, widening his smile. "I don't want you to be alone."

Ylli nodded slowly, closing her eyes at his touch. She wasn't ever one to be alone. There was always a shadow, sometimes more, that followed her movements. Some watched, some joined her. But there was someone always near. "No one is ever alone..." She whispered softly. Opening her eyes she stared into Tserai's. If only he could see this, perhaps he'd understand. She brushed her fingers through his hair, pulling the mahogany locks from his face. Another action she had repeated several times with him. And yet he always let those strands fall around his face.

"You're not alone either, Tserai. I'm here." She smiled, placing her hand on his chest, over his heart. "And I'm there."

"For me yes. But you have your Goddess. You are never alone. You've someone to pray to, someone to thank."

"Tserai.." She tried to interject.

"But all I have are memories and feelings. And they cannot comfort me when I dare fall asleep."

"You never... asked me to comfort you." Ylli reluctantly said. "I'd hold you while you slept. I've watched over others before...I could do so much still... I could..." She looked down again. She knew it was futile. He'd made up his mind. He'd hunt down his demons. The things he'd been running from. He was going, and no matter how much she could give, it never would have mattered.

"You're thinking of being a priestess." He smiled. "Of doing a duty, not for yourself, but for the other."

He didn't need to tell her this. She would give endlessly for her duty. And she nodded her admittance. "I understand the way it must be... though I don't wish it so." And with that she sighed deeply. What else was she to say? He was marching, possibly to his death, or to the death of others. She wasn't so naive to believe she could keep him, but she wanted so badly to say something, to do something that would change his mind. With this thought she reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing it softly, as if she could anchor him here with her.

He looked up with a sigh. Staring at the stars as he did every night. "I suppose I should get some.... rest." If rest is what you called it.

Tserai stood up slowly looking around as if it would be the last time he could gaze upon the merriment. His hands falling to his side, Yllithia still holding onto one. He looked down at her. "I'm glad I could show you this place. Now you know how to come back. Along with your friends." Ylli pulled herself up with his hand. Her eyes still silently pleading.

"Please, Tserai..." She swallowed. Her next words were a pointless mantra in the middle of a storm. "Be careful." She smiled light heartily. "You promised to show me the skies of Sillithis."

Tserai smiled as well. It was the first promise he had made to her. One he'd yet to fulfill. "I will."

With a graceful motion, Yllithia leaned in, placing a soft kiss on his forehead. Her voice wavered as she whispered, "I shall keep you to that." It wasn't the statement that caught him off guard. It was the action. Tserai smiled. Truly smiled, staring silently at Yllithia. A soft smile touched her lips as well as she looked over him. She loved to see him smile. "Next time, Tserai. It's not goodbye, just until next time." The words were for her as much as him. She had to believe it or she wouldn't have been able to let him go. Could someone really give fond farewells without the slightest bit of hope they'd be returning?

"I hope so." He reached into his belt and withdrew three thin vials. Holding them out to her he offered, "Here. If anything ever happens..."

It was too much. She knew exactly what was in those vials. Countless times he'd saved her from being the flame all those moths were drawn to. One drink from the liquid contained and you'd find yourself no longer among the world as others saw it. You simply vanished, allowing the two to make several quick get aways. She giggled as a few tears tumbled from her eyes. "Thank you." She clutched the tiny containers to herself. Her last bit of him. The last thing keeping them together.

He watched her. Those few tears, ones she didn't mean to let go, they meant so much to him. He'd seen she was mortal after all. Yllithia could cry. Tears of joy, or tears of sorrow, it didn't matter. They came. He reluctantly reached into his bag and pulled out his hearthstone. The thought to just stay here toyed with him. The thought of having her stare into his eyes as they were doing, for forever, played on his mind. He opened his mouth, words he wanted to say wouldn't come.

"You... know where to find me." She finally spoke. Tserai smiled. It was so typical of her. She pressed her lips, and offered a smile back.

"Always." He said. Tracing his finger over the rune, he activated the stone. Snatching him from her enveloping gaze. Pulling him from her warmth. Moments later he was standing, alone. Not wanting to open his eyes because he knew she was no longer standing before him, smiling. He sighed and opened them slowly. "Always..." He muttered to himself as he touched his heart.

She stared at where he'd been standing. He'd said it was love. Before it was just that he cared for her. How could he have loved her and never said it? The tears came. They streamed down her face. No one would see her. She was free to cry. Free to let her emotions show. She sunk down, sobbing. It wasn't that he loved her. It was that she doubted she'd ever see him again. That he'd ever smile for her again. He had promised her so many things. And those promises would be shattered. And she cried for him. For the pain he was to encounter. For the sleepless nights he'd see. For everything she wasn't able to protect him from.

The vials gently tinked in her hand as she cried. Reminding her that it was all she had left. "Memories and feelings will not comfort me at night when I dare to sleep." It echoed to her. That was what she had left, memories and feelings. He said he would stay.... Her body racked. Her face pressed to the ground as she curled up, attempting to comfort herself somehow. It was a fruitless attempt. She knew what it was that could calm her, could smother out all that distressed her. But she had given that up months ago. Just as she had given up all her other comforts in this demanding field. Given them for others. For being a priest her father would be proud of.

She longed for the blanket of the shadows to cover her. She whimpered as she fell into the darkness. Her last sobs hidden under the blanket that surrounded her.

• For more stories regarding Tserai you can visit Into The Dark, a blog done by the original creator of Tserai Azurio.