With a sigh that could make the heavens weep, Yllithia ran her fingers over the weather worn parchment again. It was silly to her, how she could hate a piece of paper, and yet have it so dear to her that she couldn't be rid of it. It was her connection. It was all she had to keep her hope alive, and yet, it wasn't full of hope at all. She sucked on her teeth as a shaky hand dared to unfold it to see the words again. Her fingers recoiling once they graced the letter, pulling back with the summoning of pain in her heart. And yet she stared with longing, pressing her lips to keep the tears from spilling. "It's just a letter..." She tried to convince herself, knowing she wouldn't believe the lie. It was so much more than simple words on paper. It was a dream... a fading memory... a nightmare.
Ylli closed her eyes trying to bury the thoughts from her mind. It had controlled her, in the worst possible way. She had shot up in her rented bed, tears pouring from her wide eyes, her chest tight. She had dreamed in her restless sleep. She had dreamed of him, and of the stories he told. She had dreamed of what she believed to be soon coming on the horizon. Only to wrench herself out of one nightmare to nothing, no one to comfort her but the memory, and the letter. And here she sat, not wanting to see it, but not able to tear the thought from her mind. She sighed again opening her eyes, hoping that she still laid in bed where she should have been. But it wasn't so, she still sat, the letter in front of her as it had been for the last hour since she awoke in her panicked state.
"It's just a letter...."
Yllithia bit her lip, carefully unfolding the paper. Running her hands over the pen scratches, she smoothed it out over the desk, covering it to keep her eyes from wandering. Another deep breath and she slid her hands out, griping the sides of the paper, going over the words again.
Can you remember your dreams?
Ylli's breath caught in her throat. "If you only knew how I try to forget..." She whispered softly clenching her jaw, the emotions rising already. Those dreams at night that haunted her. Those dreams during the daylight that never came to pass and tortured her even more than the ones in the darkness of her thoughts. Every dream a reminder to her of what she couldn't change, of who she failed. Dreams of those she loved, and every one of them now lost. Gone. I should have told you... The thought played on her. Things might have been different if she allowed him to know what was behind the wall. Then again, he might have faded away just as everyone does. The sands of time carried off in the wind. The pages in a book worn and torn with age. Covered in dust. If you only knew... She gulped and refocused her gaze, continuing on.
Can you remember your dreams? A flicker of memory within a clouded mind? Do you feel desire? I've tormented myself each night by starring upon the heavens and asking for a purpose. The night is cold. I feel a chill at my spine as the freezing wind bites at me without remorse. I trudge through the snow, clutching at my tattered cloak - only to stare into the thick white haze that is beyond my sight.
Gilneas is out there. For the past few days I've wandered through the mountains, searching for a familiar path. But everything is foreign to me. The stars show me no meaning. I am alone. You were in my dreams again, standing in the moonlight, looking into me. You ask me not to go - you plead me to stay back, but I slowly shake my head and turn my back at you. And then it all fades away. As I get closer to Gilneas, so do my memories of grey. I think of them more and remember you less. But you remain in my dreams, continuously warning me to stay back.
The hot tears traced down her cheeks. "You said you'd stay... " Ylli choked out the words. She remembered the promise he had made her, and how he had broke it. She remembered it all. Their nights staring at the stars, how long it had been since she noticed them. How much she hated them now that they reminded her that he was out there. That they were out there. That she was truly alone when she woke. He stood in her dreams now. A shadow of the past that she couldn't let go of. She didn't want him to go, those weeks ago. And with the letter there was hope, a fading hope for a dimming shadow. Don't go... She silently pleaded as another wave of tears rolled down her cheeks.
And the desire remains. The forbidden gift I should have asked for. That kiss I shall have given you. And yet, as that regret turns to pain, as does the thought become stone, engraved eternally within my mind.
Is this really myself or a shade of what I've become? Hidden from civilization, lurking in the depths of my own emotions. Anger, hate, malice, they all stir within my soul, but I've learned to control it with little thought. In what little societies I pass through; I speak to none but my own demons. And they stare at my cold grey eyes with mistrust, waning me to leave them to their peace.
I shall leave them all as I've left you. With little more then a memory of fleeting dreams.
Imagine yourself, a shining star, bringing hope to those desperate for it. Your light warm to any who would embrace it for themselves. You were but a spark in my dark kingdom. But that was enough to ignite a bonfire of dreams. Each little flame a single though enough to become one collective of heart and mind- of soul and body.
Remember me as I shall remember you.
Tserai Azurio
There is no comfort, Tserai, not for those that are fleeting dreams overtaken by shades of grey. She was nothing but a memory, one that kept to him in his sleep. One that would be forgotten once the waking hours overtook him again. Ylli pressed her eyes tightly, her wet lashes unable to hold back the tears that still seeped through the cracks in her lids. And there he was. His cold eyes staring up at the night sky. The void of his being separating him from the crowd. No matter how many were around, she could always find him, his empty shell. And he would always be looking up at the stars. He was there, in her thoughts, in her dreams, in her waking hours. Never of flesh, but a shadow in her eyes.
Ylli dropped the paper burying her face in her arms. Would you have stayed if I told you? Would things have been different? The thoughts on how she could have changed things ebbed in her mind. The tears became less and the darkness pulled on her thoughts. She was so tired from her restless dreams. She was so tired from dreaming with her eyes wide open. Her final question fell from her lips in a hushed whisper as she faded into the shadows of her dreams. "Would you... be more than a memory.... and... what would I... be to you?"
- For more stories regarding Tserai you can visit Into The Dark, a blog done by the original creator of Tserai Azurio.
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